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Sample from
Good Spousekeeping
Passing on the Past
One of the most helpful pieces of marriage
advice I have ever heard is this simple maxim: “Don’t live in the past.”
For instance, one day Dale unfairly
dredged up the fact that I once borrowed her vehicle and returned it with .00675
ounces of gasoline vapor in the tank. “It was so frustrating to see the needle
below the E after you took that trip out of town,” she said.
“Dale, Dale, Dale. Don’t live in the
past,” I said empathetically.
The past? What are you talking about? I
went out this morning and the van was empty,” she replied, frowning.
“Exactly,” I said. “This morning is part
of the past. We need to just move beyond the past. A marriage expert said so in
a book.”
Dale folded her arms and said, “How
convenient. According to that argument, I should never discuss any inconsiderate
thing you do because, technically, it happened in the ‘past.’”
“Exactly!” I replied, delighted that she
grasped the logic of my point.
“Dave, if you want to have a future that lasts more than five minutes,” she retorted, “don’t tell me again to not
live in the ‘past’ when you’re talking about something that happened several
hours ago.”
I almost mentioned that she needed to work
on her “anger issues,” but she was getting that twitching problem with her left
eye so I decided not to risk it. There is nothing quite so volatile as a woman
with anger issues who keeps living in the past.
Another useful phrase that will
immeasurably help your nuptial relationship is this handy line: “Hon, I think
you are in denial.” This line is particularly handy when you need to rapidly
change the subject.
For example, let’s say that a husband is
driving by an auto dealership and stops in just to look around. One thing kind
of leads to another and, after all, the old rig was looking a little
worse for the wear. So he makes an executive decision to buy a new car.
Wife: “You traded in your work truck for a brand-new Thunderbird convertible? Have you
utterly lost your mind? The car is completely impractical and we can’t afford
it.”
Husband: “Hon, I think you are in denial.”
Wife: “ME? You think I’m the one in denial? YOU are the one who just made a $48,000
impulse purchase, and you are accusing ME of being in denial? DENIAL ABOUT
WHAT?”
Husband: “Your anger issues.”
The real danger in responding this way is
that a jury of her peers would probably agree with her. And if the jury were
comprised of mostly women, they would probably not only convict you but also
whack you with their purses as they filed out of the jury box.
But there is one final phrase that covers
many bases, and it seems to work remarkably well no matter how many times it is
tried. That powerful phrase is “I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?”
The trick to successfully employing this
phrase is that it can’t be a trick. You need to really be sorry, and you need to
prove it by changing your offensive behavior. Your spouse’s forgiveness will be
tied directly to the sincerity of your apology, which has to be backed up by
positive and sincere actions.
Saying “I’m sorry” without changing your
behavior is really living in denial.
Excerpted from:
Good Spousekeeping by Dave Meurer
Copyright � 2004, Dave Meurer
ISBN 078144134X
Published by Cook Communications
Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited
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